If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
