she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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