Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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