Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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