he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
