im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
