Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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