It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
