Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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