I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize