I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
