My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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