RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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