who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It was confusing and full of hummus
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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