I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
