I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
