I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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