Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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