Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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