i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
our cab driver is having phone sex.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
