dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
