The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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