Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just sent this text using only my big toe
is wine microwaveable?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
