If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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