she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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