you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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