If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
