sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
