Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
