guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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