did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
