Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
