I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
