That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
