My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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