can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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