just come out here and I will go home with you...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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