People in love make me want to vomit
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
