I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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