I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
