Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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