Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I need a beard to bite.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
