When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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