I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize