If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
