my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
