your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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