wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
