Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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