My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
