saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
