pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
