You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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