Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
