I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
