Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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