This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
So squirting runs in the family.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
