Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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