hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize