Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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