i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
